I find that more and more, I still struggle with this whole concept of love. It’s not that I don’t know what love is, but I find it much more difficult to experience it sometimes in a physical sense. While I know that my parents and sisters would tell me that they love me, I find that I see and experience the love from my parents more easily and readily than I do the latter. Why exactly do I struggle with this? What is it with love that I have a hard time experiencing (feeling) it around me? It’s not like God is not with me, right? Then again, maybe I have forgotten to allow him to fully take over my heart. It’s been in pain before, and I feel confused about quite a few things: how can God love and accept me for being such a wreck? Why is it that I was born with Autism, and how will this be relatable with other people? It’s not easy to live through life where you’re around people who hurt you at times and often don’t forgive you. Oh, how there is such darkness in this dying world.
I guess this is part of how it feels to be shaped by God as one of his diamonds in the rough. The pain and joys that I experience and the darkness surrounding me are the heat and pressuring forces that are driving me to toughen up in spirit as I continue to seek out and reach for God’s heart. Perhaps part of my stirrings has something to do with me feeling contempt, and that not much has changed. I need a change in my life, a strong, spiritual resurgence from him.
Well God, here’s my prayer as I continue through this month called, “January”. Search my heart, fix what is wrong with it, and fill it with your love and light. Only you are the true bringer of love, light and life. Just like how Matthew 5: 14 tells us that we are the light of the world, help me to experience the reality of your love and that your light will always shine brightly. I know that I have failed you and that I cannot guarantee that I can make another attempt on my own; I need you to help and guide me as I continue on this journey and learn to work on whatever you have called me to do. I thank you again for your love and forgiveness, and for the sacrifice you have made for my soul and for the souls of all nations. Please help me to not be so selfish and to focus on serving others for your glory.
In Jesus’ name,